When I gave birth to our first child at home 18 years ago,
the idea of home birth was regarded with significant skepticism and resistance.
Though routine practice in countries like The Netherlands, in the U.S. home
birth was still predominantly considered to be the domain of 19th
century women, crunchy new-agers, and hippies. It was, to say the least, an
uncomfortable idea amongst my prep-school-educated, East Coast network of
family and friends. Many of my closest friends and family members questioned our
judgment and the wisdom of our decision, and my first-born was affectionately
nicknamed “Little Tofu” by her adoring grandparents. Being the first amongst my
friends and siblings to have a child, it was sometimes challenging to be a
trailblazer. But nearly two decades later, one of my sisters and several of those same friends have themselves made the choice to birth at home, and my
once-skeptical mother, having now attended four home-births, is as strong an
advocate as any. Nationwide, the practice has become much more mainstream and
is rarely regarded as an “irresponsible” choice, though still not the elected
by the majority of women. The
point is, that today women and families are increasingly aware that they have choices when it comes to birth and that
there are many ways to approach the same situation safely and with integrity.
Exposure, fortified by positive experiences has allowed the initial resistance
to slowly peel off, thus providing a gateway for new ideas to take hold.
More recently, in my small corner of southwestern Wisconsin
another “old idea-reborn” has been evolving over the past decade, as our
community has increasingly been exposed to the practice of home funerals, green
burials, and death and dying with consciousness.
Though the dormant seeds had long been present, the movement
sprang to life 8 years ago when a beloved member of our community and young
mother of three passed away. When
the coroner inquired about funeral home preference, the woman’s mother replied that
she “would like to bring the body home.” Though widely practiced throughout
history, the custom of having a wake and/or funeral at home was very unfamiliar
territory for most of us at that time. Nevertheless, a community of do-ers we
are and if our friend’s mother wanted
her body at home, by-gum we were going to make it happen. Neighbors, friends
and family members sprang into action trying to knit together all the strands
necessary to assemble a home vigil and funeral for our beloved friend. Women
cared for the body, made arrangements and prepared meals. Men came together and crafted a beautifully simple casket from local wood stored in a neighbor’s barn.
Family and friends grieved together as we planned the celebration of a
beautiful life. The experience of family and community coming together,
attending to all the details of a home wake and funeral, bonding through grief
and celebrating life was the impetus needed for a group to form.
In the winter months of 2006, further inspired after
attending a workshop on death and dying, Charlene Elderkin, Susan Nesbit, Kathy
Doerfer, and Kathy Neidert formed The
Threshold Care Circle in Viroqua, WI. The group set to work educating
themselves on care of the body, dying at home, home funerals and green burials,
eventually releasing a workbook: My
Final Wishes. At the time, there were no other groups doing this work in
Wisconsin, and the women received invaluable guidance from the Minnesota Threshold Network, a group
formed not long before. The primary mission of the group is to educate the
public on what options surround death
and dying, gently guiding people to think about what their final wishes are before the time of death. The women did
their work –researching, educating and supporting- quietly and diligently for
years until, in May of 2010, our community was engulfed in tragedy and grief
when two 18-year-old boys were killed in a car accident in the early-morning
hours of Mother’s Day. Living in a town as small as ours, no family was left
untouched by the heartache of this tragedy, and once again, the community
rallied together. This time, however, there were more resources in place for
grieving family members who might wish for an alternative to the traditional
choices of funeral and burial. With the care and guidance of the Threshold Care Circle, the family of one
of the boys chose to bring his body home, bathe him, and hold a 3-day vigil on
their front porch.* The home-vigil was new to almost everyone who experienced
it, and the family’s choice to do this undulated outward, reaching an
unexpectedly large group of people. But in the midst of unimaginable despair,
those who were sharing the experience were finding extraordinary moments of
truth and beauty. All were profoundly moved and forever changed through
exposure to such tender caring and collective grief. A wide segment of our
community had been initiated into an alternative view of death and dying, and
it deeply touched a place of longing and need.
Since that terrible day in May, the way that our small,
rural community deals with death and dying has been permanently altered. Many
others have crossed over, some before their time. But increasing numbers of
people are considering their final wishes, writing them down, and discussing
them with kin. Many are choosing to die at home, in the presence of family and
friends. Home funerals and green burial are also on the rise, and the Threshold Care Circle has expanded its numbers and its reach. Just as with
birthing, the human longing for intention around the processes and rituals of
death and dying too often go unmet. The response of 4 women to a need-identified,
has changed our community forever and continues to ripple outward.
*to read about this in more detail, read Elderkin’s article "The Call"
in Lilipoh magazine:
Additional Resources for Threshold Care, Final Wishes, and Green Burial:
Threshold Care Circle
“My Final Wishes”
Minnesota Threshold
Network
Novalis Institute: DEATH AND DYING: Beholding the Threshold
Consciously
Anne
O’Connor: Death can be a moment that
connects us, even as it parts us http://minnesota.publicradio.org/display/web/2011/11/29/oconnor/
Joe Orso: Midwifing death at home
Minnesota Public
Television: End-Of-Life Choices: Through
History
Considered the
“grandmother” of the movement: Nancy Poer:
Green Burial: Natural
Path Sanctuary
Green Burial: Kevin
Corrado of Natural Path Sanctuary interviewed on WPR:
Provocative and inspiring, and, as always, beautifully presented. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteGreat piece! Thank you for gathering a great set of resources as well.
ReplyDeleteI have been researching conservation or green cemeteries and I ran across this interesting fact today: "The average cemetery buries 1,000 gallons of embalming fluid, 97.5 tons of steel, 2,028 tons of concrete, and 56,250 board feet of high quality wood in just one acre of green." that is quite a carbon foot print ... per acre!
ReplyDelete